Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I'm Mary Poppins, me

So, it's January, perfect time for the annual review...

Slimmer and sexier, with the defined jawline I've always dreamed of; I can hand-on-heart say I've come as close to the 'Demi Moore for Versace' campaign as is realistically achievable.
My hair is poker, skin sunkissed by the finest UV tubes, and teeth untainted by the twin ravages of merlot and marlboro.

I've learned how to fire up a nargila and purr smoke-rings hypnotically, attempted to smoke joints - but not roll one - under the watchful eye of an experienced foreigner, before settling on appetite suppressants as my drug of choice.

In terms of romance, it's the same old status quo via a short-lived relationship with a brutally honest commitment phobe. Charming chap, penchant for raw liver.
There are lots of juicy quips I could think of to sum this one up, but they'd be lies, so best saved for a Girls Only Cocktail Evening where I can fabricate whilst mixing mojitos.
Note to self - give the vodka jelly a wide berth.

A short and sweet reunion with the New York Yankee unfolded over Christmas, and after all the fretting, I can truly say the feelings, like Elvis, have left the building.

So - that does bring me back to where I left off last time, and as my list of criteria grows ever longer, the problem of where to look for single gentlemen has reared it's head once more.
The Experienced Foreigner recommends ploughing the furrows of JDate, which I attempted to do during my lunch hour...I logged on and signed out in the time it took my micro-lunch to warm through.

Watching television, I thought I might find inspiration - and came nose to nose with Adam Venus biting into a McDonalds Sausage Bagel.
I broke out into a cold sweat - I think I once kissed him!
No, that couldn't be right. Or maybe with my track record, it could be right.
I think there was alcohol involved? And a boat?
I texted Nic to ask if it was a figment of my imagination, and after 15 minutes of thinking on it, she remembered I did, as a student, have an episode of drunken kissing, with Adam Venus, on a boat.

I now give you all my written permission, that should I ever, ever, ever even consider so much as holding hands with a boy from that school - hit me round the head with a stick and try to quote as many of the 16 names as you can remember until I see it your way.

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